YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."
I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Holy shit I've found my last one night stand in my Gran's knitting club
That moment when a stripper is the one that makes the two of you have to define the status of your relationship...
Randomize
