omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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