i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
can i bring anything?
Any of the following: Sex doll, side dish, fruits/vegetables that look like dildos, beer
is there a theme i should know about?
I think he's an actor
That's not a good enough reason to wear guy-liner
The power of my boobs compel you
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
Randomize
