Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.
Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.
My date keeps hitting on your friend. Had no expectations, but not a real confidence booster.
I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
You just sat there for two solid hours staring at your monitor and every five minutes screamed "LEGOOOOOS"
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
