Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
What's dad's email?
askmom@cause.idk
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
Randomize
