Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
Randomize
