Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The words "me," "sober," and "new years eve" do not go together. Ever.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
Your life is quite full of dick lately.
It really is!
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
Panties = found
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
Randomize
