I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
He told me to leave him behind and bury him in his batman pajamas. So two lessons I guess, don't give Tom whiskey and don't touch his daddy issues with a twenty nine and a half foot pole.
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
Randomize
