a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I believe some people would call last night an orgy.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
sriracha body shots, that's gonna be a thing
it's like you just said "i want you to suffer"
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
I'm getting married
To pizza
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
You bet your firm but soft ass I miss you
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
I'll bring spiced rum
I am not drinking that devil juice
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