You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
I woke up while squatting on top of my bed peeing on my comforter and my laptop
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
She asked for her virginity back. I don't know what to say
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
They kept freaking out that you were missing and potentially having sex.. like it was a bad thing. Got fed up with hearing it so i just yelled "ITS HER BIRTHDAY AND SHE CAN FUCK IF SHE WANTS TO!" They gave me unnecessary looks. I thought it was acceptable.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
