If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
But I just had this pork pâté. It was dick grabbing.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
We were ushered out of Medieval Times by a squire for making out in the torture chamber. Children were present.
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
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