I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
