I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
so my pro life roomate found a used condom wrapped up in her sheets with your panties. never letting you have sex in her bed again
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
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