Dude, don't freak out but the girl who stuck the hair brush in her ass is here. I can't look her in the eye!!
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
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