Doug is wearing your sports bra fyi
and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
While buying Plan B the lady at the counter looked at me and said hope you have a successful night as I walked away in shame
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Randomize
