I need to stop coming to work sober
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw
IT IS CHRISTMAS EVE AND I AM SUPPOSED TO BE HAVING SEX WITH AN ATTRACTIVE BLACK MAN IN THE NEXT FEW DAYS AND I JUST GOT MY PERIOD. WHEN PEOPLE ASK ME WHY I DON'T BELIEVE IN GOD I WILL TELL THEM OF THIS DAY.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
In other news, people don't judge you when you buy a vibrator if you buy a funny birthday card and bag with it. I learned that this weekend.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
