All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive
I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Super stoned right now. And I stared at my exit, thought to myself "hey self. That is your exit" and I kept driving right past it.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
They picked up the lamp, held it aloft, and proclaimed apropos of nothing “this is going right up my ass”. LOUDLY
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