i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
He wanted me to choke him with my feet. So now I feel obligated to start writing my memoir
That portion can talk about stepping out of your comfort zone and how it can potentially kill people
I felt I lost my designated buddy on a field trip when you wandered off to get high with strangers.
I'm drunk doing an ab workout. I can only hope I make it to bed tonight.
It's official. Post baseball sex is better than post hockey sex. I hope the Blue Jays win the world series.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
Randomize
