im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
You showed the cops outside of the bar your boobs and then decided to go apologize to them. They admitted that the reason they hung out there was because of girls like you.
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
Fuck you, if it wasn't for us going to the city, she would be using me as a human sex toy all day.
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
In what world does 'I'm awake' at 2:30 in the morning on a wednesday translate to 'let's fuck' in the span of one text? Where has the romance gone?
Randomize
