If I remember correctly, I may have been smoking a cigarette on the dance floor. This is the true sign of a douchebag in his native habitat...fmylife
youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I think I’ve reached sophomore-year-level of bad ideas
and you know that’s the highest possible level because it’s when I met you
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
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