she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Thats cool. we found a cat INSIDE a coke machine.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
She pulled vodka outta the dryer and told me to drink it
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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