I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
he was on top of me and all of a sudden stopped and starting picking his nose...i asked him if he was okay, he sort of looked confused, and he told me he had a booger that hurt. guess its a good thing i wasnt planning on dating this guy
he only lasted 2 minutes. he said it was because i was so pretty. i'm not sure what to feel right now.
You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Just did an entire nights worth of bar crawl in an hour. Boom
Man my junk looks like a mangled grapefruit right now, this shit sucks.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Sex and bbq. He sure knows how to make a girl feel special
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
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