mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I am SOOO high
tell me about your high
HUGE THUMBTACKS
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
I woke up in my living room, on the floor, wearing nothing but a fur coat?
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
God, I missed his penis.
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
Randomize
