the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
I think you're literally the first guy to ever pick up a chick from pinterest.
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