I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Clearly it doesn't get better with age. Just more sexual
Germany has fetish clubs for everything. We are going to Germany. Germany is our friend.
I told her my cab was outside the club and that I had to go, but I think we both knew this wasn't going anywhere past the sloppy bathroom handjob.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
So many people have told me I have great tits tonight, I'm unstoppable
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
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