No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I can't tell if the dead thing in the yard is a deer or the guy I slept with last night...
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
I told the American that we should start banging in Canada incase I get hurt and have to go to the hospital.. is that rude to say?
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
