oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
What'd you guys eat?
Literally everything that was frozen.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
You may be fancy. But you'll never be having cheesy garlic bread and scotch at 3am fancy.
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
Randomize
