I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
Is kiddo a correct name to call someone who you stuck your dick in?
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
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