I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She needs to learn what's it like to have sex with someone and regret it the next day.
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.
I feel like you never had a virginity..
You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Are you alive? Cause this is my official "im actually alive" text.
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Randomize