Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.
good it was pretty cute, also what would bong water do to a puppy?
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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