so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I don't like how my gyno is telling me how to live my life.
We got stoned and took selfies with the most perfect lawn
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
Randomize
