He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
I must be the strongest person who ever managed to get knocked down by a pug.
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
He has me blocked on facebook.... so I stalked him using my cats fan page.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
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