At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
He played me Kanye.. Speaking my love language.. He got a well deserved BJ
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Is it immoral to trade sex for the use of his laundry room?
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Randomize