Moan for me like Helen Keller
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
so i woke up in some guy's bed but then i realized i can atone for this tomorrow
just chased whiskey with a pickle. i definitely recommend it
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
You ran outside mistaken the snow for sand and started screaming "WHERES TH BEACH"
Randomize
