my brain is sober enough to have a conversation.. but my arms feel nice
Whatcha textin bout Willis?
I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They just called to see if he wanted to come in at 2am for overtime. He's trashed. He literally carried on a 10 minute convo with his boss about woodchucks. As in the animal
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
The fact that me being able to walk down stairs is an accomplishment in my books pretty much explains how I am
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
If sending nudes to tinder boy is considered functional then yes.
She is getting high and watching the Hobbit. I want her life.
So she is basically watching her own life story: short people traveling to strange places.
Randomize
