I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Randomize
