You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
Haha keeping the dream alive until Chinese New Year. I'm jobless with stitches in my face.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
you said, "the pool was totally tequila. and i left my shoe halfway across town. and by shoe i mean car" it appeared to me that you didn't have your shoes or car.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
