I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.
We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.
I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
I just found your shirt hanging in a tree 4 blocks from the party...in the opposite direction of your house. where are you going?
Randomize
