I don't understand why she insists on me walking her to the door. She came over for literally 8 minutes, we had sex, and now I need her to leave. That fake chivalry will change nothing about the situation.
Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"
That's like.....u just dangled a sex carrot in front of me then took it away!
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
He made me pay for half of dinner. Fucking feminist revolution.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
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