I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool
Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
The Ex's are trying to talk to the GF. Game face bro.
Neat. I'm thinking about growing a handlebar muffstache. What are your thoughts on this?
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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