he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him
And the cops told us we were all naked.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
A seagull just tried to steal my cellphone
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
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