i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I still can't believe I found a dildo in my ceiling today.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She's the barista slut.
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.
You described pouring milk in your strawberry cereal as a glittering magnificent water fall, skimming over the mountain and little strawberry citizens.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
