Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Randomize
