i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
we are all four or five tequila-induced decisions away from shitting in a bucket, come get me please.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
