Dude, my boy c***** and I hooked up with Asian sisters last night in the same room
Then I put on blue by Eiffel 65 and security showed up and yelled at us for being too loud. Also, they stopped fucking because no one can fuck to eiffel 65
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
he actually used the line "do you have a map, because i'm lost in your eyes" and i was to drunk to care
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
How did I end up in some random dudes car?
Some guy came up to you and asked if you knew how to drive stick.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
