naighbors jacking off again. i swear its his friday night ritual, its like he knows the night wont be ending in his favor
The only good thing about ohio is that i can get 2 half gallons of soco for 40 bucks
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I seriously dont think i have ever ridden a horse sober.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I think I broke my dick but 10/10 would definitely do it again.
Randomize
