sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure
you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
Makin mac and cheese without you. Definitely seem to do this better inside you. Splashed boiling water on my cock
Dude I was taking a shower and I kept looking down at the drain expecting Mario to come up, yell "It's a me, Mario!", tickle my balls, and go back down the drain.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
It's not even 11, i dropped a shot glass, nick is bleeding, and everyone is drunk
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
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