Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
I just remember banging him and then at some point I went and took a shower and went and laid in the closet
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
On a scale of 1 to shit show you were "i just pissed myself"
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
