You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I've been wearing the same clothes for 3 days and they're covered in franzia
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
A girl I had a drunken hook up with is on interventon right now
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
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