well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Well it looked like you were having a fucking apiphany sitting at the toilet with a t shirt around your head
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
and it seems i've caught your masturbating bug. thanks.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
Let's go one conversation without mentioning cats or alcohol someday.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
Randomize
