I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I think the recipie for awesome sauce is butter and semen
Whatever is fine with me, as long as I am dressed in green and end up shitfaced.
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
Drunk in my hotel room, eating taco bell, and crying at Nicki Minaj's life story.
This is why I keep you in my life.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
