Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
he convinced me that i wont have to do the walk of shame bc he has to go to jail in the morning
yeah I'm sure your grandparents are the best but it's halloween. get a slutty costume and let's go ham.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Randomize
