I like how you formally end text interactions, just turn your phone off or don't respond you pervert
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
I suppose we should both be prepared for the secret service to come visit us after this conversation. Hi NSA.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
I've come to realize that I need a break from life when I just tried to use my address numbers as the cook time on the microwave
ive started thanking my toys after masturbating. might be time to get some fuck boys
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
