I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah I don't remember why I went to the hospital though but I just called and they have my wallet
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I'm drunk off vodka and I haven't eaten today. I've never felt more like Kirsten Cohen in my life.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
Randomize
