My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
Our brains have an emergency blowjob override switch. You saw proof tonight.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
We fucked through the entire Destiny's Child album, it was a beautiful thing.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
I fucking hate them. They came over and sat on me and made out. On top of me. Who the fuck does that?
Randomize
