If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.
he said 'i want to be the peanut butter to your jelly, just without the crust' and then tried to take me shirt off
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
Bon Iver should never be played when you just ate shrooms.
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
Well just saw that professor I hooked up with on campus and I look like a dumpster baby
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
My vagina knows your penis is sad about Andrew Luck. You should come over and let her comfort him in his time of need
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