if you call bong hits and onion rings a party, then yeah
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
if you arent using your penis to save lives, then what good is it?
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
You kicked my dad IN THE NUTS right when he walked in.
Sorry, man. Thought he was a cop.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
she said she doesn't remember seeing me at all last night. ...I was with her for six hours, there's no way she could have been blackout the whole time
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
