I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
We just taught the Brazilian how to smoke out of a vuvuzela.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
also I have no idea whose underpants I'm wearing right now but they're super comfy and I'm not giving them back ever
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