It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
Question: rebounding with your exboyfriend over your rebound guy is healthy right?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
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