i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
that cunt stole my fb status. SHE'S NOT THAT FUNNY
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
Taco Bell. She just parked, got out of the car mid drive-thru, ran to the dumpsters, pissed, then ran back and drove up in the line.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am slightly proud of the fact his mom turns on the dryer located behind the spare bedroom EVERY time we visit!
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
Probably won't be invited back there again considering last time his purebred corgi ate my pot brownie and had to be rushed to the hospital.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
We just broke up and deleting his dick pics is the hardest thing I've ever had to do.
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