My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life
One small step for man, one big gay fierce leap for gays!
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Hay for your next interview you should go in with fake blood on your cloths and tell them you just finished saving a life, then cry
I have a terrible feeling that I made out with a fraternity last night
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
