You know you think of me naked too
Not since I found Jesus
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
So what do normal people wear to parties? Normal meaning not you.
You wear an inflatable farm animal to TWO THEMED PARTIES and I never get to hear the end of it...
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
