I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
Stop talking and go back to bed. You're in the kitchen in your underwear and slept in your car.
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
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