I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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