A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.
I would personally love to see the surveillance video of me throwing my stuff inside, peeing on the sidewalk, then crying hysterically when I realized I locked myself out. Again.
Moral of the story is go have sex with a foreigner and report back to me.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Yeah started playing at the wedding last night, when the line. "Ludacris fills cups like DD" he starts pointing at my tits right in front of his grandparents.
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
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