I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
Nothing says walk of shame better than a onesie and a 12 pack of corona..
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
Biggg time. I found 2 empty packages of extenze in my car this am.... not sure what that was all about
I grinded with the guy who brought the scooter, I'm leaving with success
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Our son just found our secret Sex Dungeon that is no longer hidden in our basement. He brought his Xbox and the TV down there he is currently sitting in the sex swing playing video games. What do I do?
Randomize
