I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
We're celebrating his weight gain and arrest.and by we I mean I, and by celebrating I mean getting dangerously drunk
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
He said did you just interrupt me midsentence to admire another man's penis?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
Randomize
